n0 ntspk 4 u [Netspeak]
So, I'm browsing the internet at my normal cruising speed of just a little slower than light, when I run across this little gem that brings me to a screeching halt:
But then, I started to think (a very dangerous passtime, I know) and I realized that I might need some evidence. Quickly, I asked my good buddy google about this extraodinary event. Imagine my disappointment, then, to discover that I had merely found the picasso movement of written text. No dramatic phone calls. No world-wide press conferences. No marble statue on the white-house lawn. No streaming webcasts of my nobel prize.
That ticked me off. I had wasted fully 20 minutes of valuable surfing time. But then I made the second mistake (the first being that I had actually thought that could happen): I tried to decipher it again. If I squint, select the text, tilt the monitor 17 degrees clockwise, and do a head stand, I can almost see something that might vaugely resemble english, in the way that a pineapple vaugely resembles a palm tree. Did I say palm tree? I meant stunning Manhattan cityscape, because it doesn't look a thing like what it's supposed to be.
After consulting a netspeak dictionary, I finally found what is, nearest I can tell, a rough literal translation:
And I can't help but wonder what has gone wrong. I know I'm neither the first, last, nor most qualified to comment on this, but something about this is just plain wrong. It represents a fundamental deterioration of human communication based around minimizing required keystrokes rather than imparting information. In addition, 'male' is used twice, once as a stand-alone sentance. (Shall we speculate as to the gender of the writer?) Further, it's just bad taste. Personally, I attribute this to stingy old english teachers with rulers to smack kids on the hands, followed by the college equivalent who think 'classic' is synonomous with 'so boring it never sold a copy and was all that was therefore left for archeologists to find'. Who would want to write properly after that?
To be fair, there are times it's okay. For instance, most text-messaging phones are too cumbersome for correct grammar and full spelling. During games, one can't stop to make fully-formed sentances while aiming for a headshot. And just like the professional world, any site/community/forum is entitled to some amount of local jargon like acronyms or terminology.
But to abbreviate 'you' to 'u'? That's intolerable. It takes two additional keystrokes, and you can't be bothered to that? What makes you think my time is less valuable than yours, such that I should have to spend time decrypting what you wrote because you were too lazy to type a few extra keys? It's not as if typing lessons aren't available for free on the internet.
But is it really laziness? Perhaps the aliens really are at work, producing strange glyphs at the hands of the typers? I have to wonder, but now we get on the shaky ground of personal testimony, right up there with all the people who claim to be abducted by Elvis or whatever. Clearly, that isn't even in the same ZIP code as actual text fragments as far as credibility. Such a shame, too, as the only plausible explanation would be facilitation of a massive invasion through increasing the general stupidity index. Alas, my days of SETI fame will have to wait until I find something more concrete....
YO man, wts hapenin?, am kool tho dude. myt be hookin up Thorpe Park or Alton Towers mission soon, lemme kno wot u tink, l8rz bruvMy heart started pounding. I read over the letters again and again, trying to decipher their meaning. The more I read, the more I came to realize that I was staring at something of incredible consequence, something that would shake the world to it's very foundations. I started scrambling around, looking for the telephone. SETI needed to know that I had just found evidence of alien intelligence, not in the stars but in our very own communcation networks!
But then, I started to think (a very dangerous passtime, I know) and I realized that I might need some evidence. Quickly, I asked my good buddy google about this extraodinary event. Imagine my disappointment, then, to discover that I had merely found the picasso movement of written text. No dramatic phone calls. No world-wide press conferences. No marble statue on the white-house lawn. No streaming webcasts of my nobel prize.
That ticked me off. I had wasted fully 20 minutes of valuable surfing time. But then I made the second mistake (the first being that I had actually thought that could happen): I tried to decipher it again. If I squint, select the text, tilt the monitor 17 degrees clockwise, and do a head stand, I can almost see something that might vaugely resemble english, in the way that a pineapple vaugely resembles a palm tree. Did I say palm tree? I meant stunning Manhattan cityscape, because it doesn't look a thing like what it's supposed to be.
After consulting a netspeak dictionary, I finally found what is, nearest I can tell, a rough literal translation:
Hello male, what is happening? I am cold. Male. Might be hooking up Thorpe Park or Alton Towers mission soon, let me know what you think. Laters brother.
And I can't help but wonder what has gone wrong. I know I'm neither the first, last, nor most qualified to comment on this, but something about this is just plain wrong. It represents a fundamental deterioration of human communication based around minimizing required keystrokes rather than imparting information. In addition, 'male' is used twice, once as a stand-alone sentance. (Shall we speculate as to the gender of the writer?) Further, it's just bad taste. Personally, I attribute this to stingy old english teachers with rulers to smack kids on the hands, followed by the college equivalent who think 'classic' is synonomous with 'so boring it never sold a copy and was all that was therefore left for archeologists to find'. Who would want to write properly after that?
To be fair, there are times it's okay. For instance, most text-messaging phones are too cumbersome for correct grammar and full spelling. During games, one can't stop to make fully-formed sentances while aiming for a headshot. And just like the professional world, any site/community/forum is entitled to some amount of local jargon like acronyms or terminology.
But to abbreviate 'you' to 'u'? That's intolerable. It takes two additional keystrokes, and you can't be bothered to that? What makes you think my time is less valuable than yours, such that I should have to spend time decrypting what you wrote because you were too lazy to type a few extra keys? It's not as if typing lessons aren't available for free on the internet.
But is it really laziness? Perhaps the aliens really are at work, producing strange glyphs at the hands of the typers? I have to wonder, but now we get on the shaky ground of personal testimony, right up there with all the people who claim to be abducted by Elvis or whatever. Clearly, that isn't even in the same ZIP code as actual text fragments as far as credibility. Such a shame, too, as the only plausible explanation would be facilitation of a massive invasion through increasing the general stupidity index. Alas, my days of SETI fame will have to wait until I find something more concrete....
Labels: Cut the Crap, Internet, Sarcasm
posted by Quantum Kitsune at 8:32 PM
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